and i'm living like there's no tomorrow.

thanks to my dear friend tay ai wen whom i foolishly shared utensils and food with, i am down with flu and sore throat. but i guess i still can make it to work tomorrow with me popping pills every night before i go to bed. it's just that i am staying home for this weekend

i have just read my entries dated from 4years ago. 4 years ain't long but i had changed so much within this period. some of my thoughts after reading my oldest entries

1. i was foolish and childish. lol maybe it's the same for others too but just have this feeling that my past entries were very child-like, what i did everyday, people i went out with. less of unhappy feelings, more of reflecting on the happy things i did with my class and cca. but i kind of wish that it could remain like that

2. i was a mugger! almost every single entry talks about homework, exams and tests blah. i didn't realise i studied so much in the past!

3. i used very very short and weird 'shortforms' that i wouldn't use now. x-ams, beri, dae, happi, 2, ya, mi, aniwae,... i talked like a kid back then lar but i really wonder if i really did used all these shortforms so naturally in the past

4. my happy entries are usually all in secondary 2. all those after school outing, tiny tiny things, went out after school with blah blah, did blah blah, came home at blah blah time. those were the entries with more 'hahaaz' and fewer 'haiz haiz'. it's just that things aren't the same anymore and people who used to be the center of my life are no longer the same ones.

5. i gave up on many past friendships. council took a big part of my upper secondary life and i spent a lot of my time with them. not that i regretted it because they were extraordinary people and seniors who made my days back then. but i did regret not leaving time for other people and friends who were once so important to me. it's so hard now to step out again to these people and to thaw these frozen friendships.

the past always seems sweeter than the present

it's back to work tomorrow

how i wish i could stay home and spend days away from the rush and burden of working days

it can only be a wish

positive mindset girl! positive! a's results were out two days ago
realised that the road ahead will be more lonely, with people going on really to many different places
not like two years back when i took my o's results
there weren't many choices ahead for me, because i took the conventional path
so did many of my friends and classmates
we weren't that separated, some were just across the road from me
not that this did not result in distance for some of us
but at least we were all schooling and our lives are not that drastically different

but it would be different from now on
where we go on to do different things that matters most to us
as i become more an independent individual
when sometimes you have to eat lunch yourself, go to the toilet alone, ...
what a childish statement yes i know
but to me it matters quite abit right now. food just dont taste good when there is no comfortable company
back in rv where we raised our hands to request permission go to toilet together
and laugh and joke along the way and back
even though hc canteen food is real bad but i like sitting down and talking and eating together

i just need time to adapt

when we were taking our results
suddenly it feels like everyone is alone
it is your name that is reflected on the results slip
everyone in the hall have different emotions on their faces
people were making phone calls
i don't know i just feel that from this moment on, you are fending for yourself
just can't get it out in words

family is more important to me now
even though i lose my temper at home more that necessarily and i feel guilty after that very quickly
it is just like you cannot choose your family
they are just there
and you can count on them to be there always
not that friends wont be there for you
but a home to me it a place that will always be there
a safe place to hide and seek shelter when i need solitude
a place to rest after a horribly long day at work
during the past six yearsw whereby schooldays were long because of cca
or because i went out to play after school
my house was more like a hotel
i spend more of my time outside home than at home
even weekends are spent in schools or outside with friends
didn't appreciate a home that much
maybe because school itself is a safer and more comfortable place as compared at work
it's back to the "i miss school" feeling again

one more day of rest before it's back to work
buck up huixin! 100percent concentration at work!